I thought I could trust you!!!

This post is an insight to my very raw emotions and is not for the self-righteous.  

It is a way to process, mourn and come to terms with how God works.

As most of you know, my boyfriend broke up with me on the day after Christmas…  perfect timing of course, since I was already feeling homesick for my family, friends and home. 

I have been through breakups before and of course I have survived.  But this break up hit me particularly hard.  Maybe it was because “the Ex” was so cold and he doesn’t seemed concerned that he is ripping my heart out, since just a few weeks ago we were talking marriage.  I was really shocked and couldn’t understand what happened.  But to be honest, as hurt as I am by his callous manner and the way he broke up with me…     I am more hurt by God.  

Now before you get in a huff and start quoting scripture at me, or tell me there are tons of fish in the sea or time heals all wounds, let me finish.  I do not doubt God loves me… EVER!   Truthfully, it is what has salvaged my relationship with Him.  It is the glue that is keeping me from falling apart. But I am still trying to grasp how He is sovereign in all this… trying to see hints of the love reflected in the hurt I am feeling.

I am so cautious with my heart, because it has been betrayed by so often by men in so many ways.   I am so tired of being hurt that I am just… tired.  I had hoped that for once in my life, God would send me a Godly man who would treat me right.

I am not lying when I say I daily brought my relationship with “the Ex” before the throne,  because I was open to His will.  I was not blinding myself by desire for marriage or the need to be loved,  I honestly wanted his guidance in my relationship.

SO!!!  Why didn’t he warn me??

Why didn’t he let ME break up with “the Ex”??    That would at least been easier on my heart. 

I have come to expect men to fail me… they are human after all!  But I thought I could trust my heavenly Father.  He may be trying to comfort me at this very moment, but I don’t even know that I want His comfort now.  You know when someone has hurt you or disappointed you and then they try to hug you????   You can hardly stand it… it is the last thing you want.  

Now I know that God loves me and He desires to bless me, but my heart is still wounded and aching.

I wish I could wrap this post up in a pretty ribbon and tell you all the wonderful things God is teaching me… and someday I will, but until then, I am being raw before God, hashing this out with Him and trying to trust Him again.  Trying to understand when things are just incomprehensible.   And even though I may never understand, I trust he loves me.  

And for now… that will have to be enough.

What you can do for me, is pray…  then pray again… and then a bit more. 

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.”  Psalm 31:9

 

Flat on my face!

Today I fell… not really big news, or even surprising news, since I have been tripping over things, falling down, running into stuff and banging my head on things for pretty much the last 40 years.

I think I might have even tripped over the umbilical cord on the way out of the womb.

Anyway, I slipped on some black moss and landed on my knees, then put my hands out to catch myself  and they slipped and I ended up face planting in muck.  Of course I never do these things in private.  I had a whole audience of women to view my plummet to the mucousy moss that would soon coat my favorite shirt.

As I fell, all I could think of was that, I know better!  It is rainy season and that means lots of moss all over the ground.   I have gone sidewalk surfing many times due to the slippery slopes of Costa Rica.

But it does remind me of how easy it is to forget how slippery a slope sin can be.  We go through life without a rainy season for so long that when it happens, you really forget the repercussions of it.  No matter how hard you try to stop yourself you, sometimes you can’t stop yourself.

And sin is sneaky, it grows gradually beneath your feet so you don’t pay attention to it, until you are coasting down a very slippery slope and your life is out of control.  Next thing you know you are face down, berating yourself for not remembering how easy it is to fall during those rough seasons in your life.  And there are always people around to gawk at your mistakes.

The great thing is, with a bucket of bleach and some elbow grease, you can scrub the black moss off the sidewalk and you are good to go.  The same with the sin in your life…  a continuous purge of the sin that is in your life will keep you from being vertically challenged.

It is better to bow down, than be brought down to your knees.

Psalm 145:14
“The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.”

Dust Bunnies and Stinky Socks in the Heart

Today we stayed home from work because we were notified that they were shutting off the water and electricity in the area where our office is at.  So, no electricity means: no internet. No internet means: no work.  So we wanted to be productive and stayed home where there was internet… or so we thought!

I got up this morning and made coffee, put out the trash, settled in to check my emails (working in your p.j.’s can be quite fun) and then my roommate informs me that there is no internet.  Ughhh.  Well, life is never dull or predictable in Costa Rica.  One morning you may wake up and it is sunny, the birds are singing, the traffic is loud, people are out mowing their yards and then all of a sudden the street in front of your house becomes a raging river!  Thus the phrase:  Pura Vida.   It’s direct translation means Pure Life, but it is used as an “Oh well”, or “Goodbye”,  and even as an “I don’t understand a word you are saying!”. 

Back to the point of why I starting blogging today:  I was cleaning the kitchen (my old roommate and best friend just had a heart attack!), I was cleaning the kitchen and thinking to myself, “I just cleaned this stovetop last week and now it is a mess!  If I would just clean off the sauce at the time of the spill, then I wouldn’t have to scrub burnt grease off!”  At that very moment, God spoke to my heart.  “Uhhh uhhh huhh ummm, (that is God’s throat clearing), “Melissa, you do the same thing with your life, all the time!”  And He is right!  Of course He is, He’s God! 

I know I should be cleaning my “spiritual” house as it gets dirty, bit by bit.  When lies present themselves, I should swipe them clean.  And yet I do what I sometimes do with my house… I ignore the dust bunnies and hope they go away! 

They never do. 

We find it’s more work to get the sin out of our lives, than if we had just taken care of it right away.  There would be less heartache and a closer walk with God if we would just take a moment to look around us, inspect our motives, dust off our attitudes, sweep out our dirty minds and do some really good scrubbing on the heart.  Then make time in our “spiritual lives” for cleaning.  So that sin doesn’t get the opportunity to build a monstrous pile of stinky socks in our hearts!
And  although I was extremely irritated that I had no internet all day, I was profoundly moved by the time I was able to share with God.  Getting a chance to ask Him about areas in my life that I have allowed sin to slink into, as well as praying- for wisdom to see the lies of the enemy for what they are. 

1Peter 5:8-9

⁸ “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

I Love the DMV!

Oh Yeah!  You heard me correctly. 

I, myself, never thought those words would come out of my mouth!!!!     

You never appreciate what you have… until you have something much worse!  LOL 

As you probably guessed, I have not got the riteve (smog) done yet on my car… but it is not for lack of trying on my part.  I was a good girl and marched straight down to the Registro, well it was more like I took a bus to Heredia, then a bus to San José, then a bus to Zapote and then I marched straight down to the Registro.  The Registro is a building where you register:  man, auto, marriages, death and I don’t know what else. 

This was the process to get my new plates:

• When I first walked in I had to find the department for license plates and vehicle registry.
• I had to get a form and ticket to go pay for my plates at the bank (because you can’t pay for it there)
•  Bring the yellow receipt back to the plate place
• Trade the yellow receipt that says that I paid for the plates for a green receipt
• Wait 3o minutes and come back with my green receipt and pick up my plates.  That only took 2 hours.

Getting my certificate of ownership (pretty much the same process)

Now you say… “Okay, 2 hours, I have waited longer at the DMV!”  Oh, I too, have had to wait, but this was just for license plates.  I had to get a lawyer to change the title or “certificate” on the car… BTW I bought this car in April… you do the math. 

Now I have to get a riteve, which is like a smog, but they check other things too, like how readable your license plates are, thus the need to get new ones!  But I can’t go to the riteve place myself.  My mechanic has to take it in, but he can’t do it because the machine is broken.  He told me to come back Tuesday! 

Also, I would pay for my insurance (I have had the quote for almost 2 weeks now), but you can’t insure your car until it is has a riteve done! 

So on the whole the DMV is a dream!  DMV protocol:

• You purchase your insurance (you can even do it online!)
• Get your car smogged within 1/2 hour
• Go to the DMV , show them your insurance info, smog certificate and pay RIGHT THERE for you registration and your done!

Now that I have had my little rant… okay BIG rant… the car is a blessing and even though the process is stressful, expensive and time consuming, God has provided for me and I AM really grateful.  Next time I will be wiser and maybe able to help the next guy! 

New Year’s Resolution… okay,okay… my Mid Year’s Resolution!

So, for my Mid Year’s resolution, I have decided to start blogging… again!

I know what you’re thinking.  I have heard this before.  Hey!  Give me a break!  I lead a very busy and important life… Oh, all right, not really!  I am just lazy, forgetful and procrastinate so much that it has been 8 months since I last blogged.  I wish I could be clever every day or at least once a month, but honestly who is?  Well, my friend Jamie!  HATE HER!  Not really, just wish I could write like she can.   Her honest and witty repertoire puts my yearly blogs to shame.  Not everyone has the gift!  She can be a bit brash, so for those of you who have a weak stomach or don’t pass gas in front of your spouses, don’t read her blog.  For those of you who would like some insight to an wonderful, but imperfect Christian here is the link:   http://theveryworstmissionary.com/ For those of you who don’t mind boring, plain, mindless jiber jaber, continue reading!

These past few months have been WEIRD!  Good, but weird!   I have renewed connections with old friends and made some new friends too.  I saw God work in an amazing way with my support raising.  His perfect timing and provision cannot be called coincidence.  I sold a newer car to buy an old one.  I drove for the first time in a foreign country, unless you count Tijuana, Mexico, but come on, it’s really just an extension of California, right?  I got a Costa Rican driver’s license.  I lost an appendix and my mind a little bit too.  I have reached the ripe old age of 40, which I am really excited about.  Jordan (my dog) had a tumor removed.   I was able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family.   That is the reader’s digest version of the last 9 months.  I am sure I missed a few things, but do you really want a play by play?

So, now that you are caught up, I guess I will see you in another 9 months.  Just Kidding!  I am resolved to ramble,  babble and bore the masses on a regular basis.  Scouts Honor!  Okay, I was never a Scout, I dropped out when I was just a Brownie, but it still counts!  Mel

to be continued…

Um No! He’s crusty!

I can guarantee that this is going to offend some older men.  And for that I am truly sorry.  But there are some things that can’t be said without offending someone.  And I feel this must be said.

There are some things in this world I cannot comprehend.  People who don’t like chocolate.  Choosing to eat vegetables over meat.   And marrying someone 30 years your senor!  Okay, I might be able to understand it if you were say 18 and the man was 38.  Not as weird or gross.  I mean at least there is some physical compatibility (meaning you don’t have to worry about his heart if you go for a jog!)  But, how can a lovely 30 year old woman find a 60 year old man attractive?? Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong.  There are some very sweet and even handsome men that are 60.  I guess I just can’t see hooking up with a  man old enough to be my Dad.  They have hair growing out of every orifice, their hearing is starting to go, they no longer have a bum and well, they are  a bit… you know… CRUSTY!

Now at this point, I do have to say that it is one thing to start out around the same age, give or take a few years, and then grow CRUSTY together, but to find that attractive at such a young age is unfathomable (at least to me!)

To all of you who have found happiness in the arms of an older man, I say “Kudos!”  I hope you have many or at least some years together.  Maybe after the old man croaks you can find yourself a youngin’ and raise ‘im up how you want ‘im.

Maybe this is why I am still single.

And I am okay with that.

I would rather be alone than have a husband whose belt is under his man breasts, whose nose hair I can braid and who has to be reminded to turn up his hearing aid.

Call me crazy!

Would you like a side of fries with that?

For all you fast food junkies, please don’t stop reading, yet.  This is not going to be a lecture on giving up fast food.  I consider myself some what of a connoisseur of the American cuisine we call “Fast Food”.  I won’t turn down a tasty box of fried goodness and what crazy person would say no to a chocolate shake?  The U.S. has a plethora of boxed restaurants sitting on every corner, serving up something fried, sweet or spicy.  And for only $1 these too could be yours.  Besides how the heck would I remember how to give directions if I couldn’t tell someone to Run for the Border, turn left at KFC, go past the Double Arches and then when you see my friend Wendy turn left.  Having said all that…

One of the things I was impressed with the most when I first arrived in Costa Rica was how earthy people were.  They got up early in the morning and went to the bread store, they cooked meals at home, they and they went every Saturday or Sunday morning to the the feria (farmers market).  I had seen very few obese people here and somehow that felt right.  They seemed to be very health conscious… or at least that is what I thought.

I have been seeing more and more morbidly obese people since I first arrived here.  I just read an article in Tico Times that expressed concern about a growing health problems in Costa Rica because of the amount of Fast Food places popping up.  Now let me remind you that I enjoy my 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, just as much as the next guy.  But when I was on the bus this morning,  I saw a mom pull a Jelly packet out of a McDonalds bag and give it to her slightly chunky little girl (to eat by itself) and I started to be concerned.  My concern, however, turned to horror when I watched this mother pull out an a hash-brown, already  seriously doused with grease and proceed to slather it with “butter”.  I truly almost gagged!!!!

All I could think about was the amazing amount of trouble this little girl was going to be in, because of bad habits created by her mom.  Fast Food is good, NO, great even.  It can make getting dinner done a whole lot easier, the play centers can entertain your kids for a while and can bring a symphony of delight to your mouth!  But now that I have had a reprieve from the constant bombardment of the Fast Food frenzy, I found that I am a pretty good cook, that I save a lot of money and that when I do get the urge for an IN-N-OUT burger, it is a special treat that I can truly enjoy without guilt and say… “I’m lovin’ it!”

All the King’s Horses and All the Kings Men…

So, if you have read my previous blogs, you would know that my beloved Pam bobble head met an untimely demise!  It was a sad day, since she was fairly new and  a gift from a close friend.  However, she has recovered from her fall and unlike All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men in the story of Humpty Dumpty, I have the fabulous invention of Super Glue® in my possession!   I was able to put her back together again.  She is a little worse for wear.  She has chips missing from her knee caps and stands a little bit of an angle (do to the glue), but she is back!

It got me to thinking though… about broken people.   As a former broken person, I have to admit that I could relate to my bobble head.  Hey, no laughing!  Stick with me on this!  Broken people often pick the pieces up themselves, use some form of  “Super Glue” (drugs, alcohol, sex, work, relationships etc.) and try to put themselves back together.   However, little pieces of them have been lost or unrepairable.  They continue on with life until the get knocked down again (♫I get knocked down, but I get up again.  No, yur neva gonna keep me down!♫) and everytime they get up they lose pieces of themselves and the ones they put back together, leave scars and you can see they are damaged and hurting.

The Great News is that God doesn’t put the pieces back together.  WHAT?  You heard me!  He doesn’t get out his lifetime supply of Human Fix It Super Glue and start piecing people back together.  He makes them new creatures.  He restores them!  He creates in them a clean heart and renews a right spirit within them!  Psalm 51!   Okay, so we live with the consequences of our choices or choices other made for us (abuse etc.) and that will affect things in our life.   We don’t, however, have to allow this to rule our lives, we can live in JOY.  We are not ruled by the scars or the brokenness of the life we had before.  We have a fresh page!

Sorry Pam, inanimate objects don’t count and you will have to deal with the chips and scratches.  But my friends, you don’t have to!  This IS our freedom in Christ!   And I am so grateful for that!

Attack of the Killer Ants

I have a long history with ants.  From a very young age I have had very strange and interesting experiences with ants.  My first real memory though was the time I went with my mom to my Nana’s house.  Now, I have to say up front that my Nana was a little crazy!  Very sweet and loving, sometimes a little nutty!  Well, my mom saw this huge trail of ants going through the house and she found a mound of honey on the floor. So she did what any normal person would do, she got a rag with some water and started cleaning up the honey and killing ants as she went.  My Nana about had a cow and was yelling at my mom, “No!  Don’t kill the ants!  They are my friends!”  My mom was a little shocked but then it always made for good Nana stories.

Another experience I had with ants, was when I went to India on a  mission trip. It was my first trip out of the country (besides Mexico) and I was nervous.  I don’t like dirt, smells, heat or insects, so I went to India!  Well we were coming back from a Medical outreach about 6 hours outside of Chennai and about halfway back we all needed the restroom.  The bus pulled over to the side of the road and the girls went behinds some bushes and trees to … you know… go.  Anyway, I was the first one to… you know… and I pulled down my pants, did the little squatting thing girls have to do and started to… you know.   All of  a sudden the ground began to move as if it were alive and the next thing I know, I have red ants climbing up my legs and biting me.  So I jumped up, slapping at my legs and screaming,”I’ve got ants in my pants, I’ve got ants in my pants!”  The girls were laughing so hard they were trying not to pee their pants.  Needless to say, I had bites all over me, but again a very good story.

This last week.  I was having a long, long, long, long day, and it was only 10 in the morning.  Well, at work just as my Bible study ended, so I grabbed some coffee and a ziplock bag of some candy coated almonds.  Slung them under my arm and started walking back toward my office.  One of the gals from Bible study stopped me and asked me how I was doing etc. and all of a sudden I felt something biting me under my arm, then on my arm and in my shirt.  I looked down and saw that there were big black ants inside the bag.  Thousands of them and they were mad!!!!  And viciously biting me!  So the gals from the group came and started picking them off of me.  I can imagine that we looked like a bunch of Gorillas grooming each other. It must have been a sight.

There is no real point to this blog, except that besides the crazy funny stories they provide me, I see no real purpose for ants!

Picking up the Broken Pieces

Isn’t it extraordinary how emotional we become when an object that we treasure  meets it’s doom?  Many,  if not all of the trinkets that I own, have, or at some point, will end up in a receptacle.   Of course it is never intentional, but this, it seems, is the fate of all things Melissa!   Whether it be a car, a favorite mug, a revered piece of family memorabilia or a gift from a close friend, it is destined to be marred, broken, lost, shattered, torn or hit by a runaway mailbox. (This is not a joke!)

You would think that after many, many, many years of seeing so many valuables given to ruination, that I would have toughened up and been able to hold back the tears that now cling to my eyelashes, as I try to blink them back.

What is it that binds us so tightly to these soulless, innate objects?  What drives us to scurry around, frantically hunting in the desks of our coworkers for a magical substance to bind the wounds of a shattered thingimajig, while wondering, “Why don’t I own stock in Super Glue®?”  Is it crazy or even accurate to say that I LOVED my Pam bobble head?  Can we truly love inanimate objects to the degree that we actually mourn them?

In reality, it is our affection for our lover, friend or family member who gave us the item or to whom it originally belonged, that causes such an intense reaction.

I recall an instance, after my Nana’s funeral, we were sorting through all of her things and I came across a Russian fur hat.  It was a ridiculous looking thing and really was of no use in the invariably mild California weather, however, I had fond memories of my Nana wearing the hat and attempting to mimic what she thought was a Russian dance.  I didn’t LOVE that hat, I loved my Nana and missed her.  Each grandchild was given a bag and told we could put into it anything that was important to us and I had no doubt that this huge furry monstrosity was coming home with me.  Now, I was never going to wear that hat, at least not in public, but for some reason when I got home and saw that it was not at the bottom of my bag where I had placed it,  I cried… really hard.  No, I bawled.  I put lambs to shame with the bleating that came out of me.  It wasn’t the furry, beast of a hat that I was crying for, I was crying for my Nana.

I guess what I am saying is that, I will always be heartbroken when something dear is gone or damaged.  My first new car, the Taz mug my sister gave me, my Nana’s Russian hat, a Chinese bookmark from a friend, my first Bible or even a Pam bobble head.  But I believe it is okay to lament these things, because attached to them are dear and valuable people who love me.  And you know what?  I still have my memories, so who really needs the Super Glue® after all?

Melissa Reyes